Saturday, June 23, 2012
Just a couple things here...
Firstly, I uploaded two new videos of my crappy teenage poetry to my youtube channel.
Secondly, I've starte a new blog, and I'm going to retire this one! I feel like it's time, with everything that is happening and changing in my life, for me to start a new blog, too.
The new blog is Felted Nest, and if you've been following me here and want to continue to find out what the haps are, update your links and stuff! I also have a new twitter account that is my name, so that seems a little more appropriate, with the stagnation of the etsy shop and all...
Anyway, this is basically my sign off post from this blog, but not the Internet. I am going to be over at Felted Nest from now on, and I expect to be uploading stupid YouTube videos semi-regularly as well for the forseeable future, so if you found that last one amusing, be sure to check those out, too. :)
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Because I am ridiculous, I decided to do this:
(There is a ridiculous video behind the jump. It was screwing up the blog layout, and I didn't want it to do that, so I put it behind a jump. Deal with it)
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Flesh And Gold by Phyllis Gotlieb
My rating: 2 of 5 stars
I abandoned it. I am loving her writing style, but the story is simply not gripping me.
I really wanted to like this book because Gotlieb is a Canadian author and I really try to get as much CanCon as possible in my life. But, this just ain't cutting it.
In other news, I'm going to start Stranger in a Strange Land tonight, hopefully that one will go better!
View all my reviews
For example, I could look at my life and say...
"Wow. I'm under-employed; I can only just afford to pay my rent and groceries, but I still spend too much on booze; I waste more time than I care to admit on facebook or asleep; my personal relationships are all over the place; I eat more than my grocery bill can afford or my lack of exercise can maintain (where the hell did these most recent 5lb come from godsdamnit?) and I post way too many pictures of my cats on Twitter."
Which, you know. Is pretty depressing if you think about it.
OR! I can look at my mother at 24 and look at me at 24 and say.
"I am not a highschool dropout; I am not a divorced, single mother of two; I haven't been married to a physically abusive husband; I haven't tried to kill myself; AND I have a B.A. in honours social anthropology (during which I designed and carried out a research project on my own)."
Which is WAY BETTER than the first one. I'm basically winning at my family when I look at it this way. (I'm also the first of my grandmother's MANY biological grandchildren [the woman had 7 kids] to achieve a university degree! That's success, right there!)
I do need to start exercising though, :/ I'm not impressed with the squishy belly.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
THE SUSPENSE IS KILLING ME, my one reader is saying. Who did you blog for?! What did you blog about?!
Basically, I did a short blog about the same thing my thesis is about (Student Poverty) for my school's student union's blog.
"The Problem of Student Poverty".
A guest blog, by me.
Now you all know my name, too. Exciting?! Not really. Actually, if any of you looked at the picture of my thesis that I posted before, I guess you already knew my real name.
Anyway, I had a tough time writing it - they basically asked me to talk about in 300 words what took me 34 pages to engage with in the form of my thesis.
So, does this make me a talking head?
Monday, June 4, 2012
Well, I;ve set up my goodreads account so that my reviews automatically post here, so as long as I keep reading, I should have a bit more acitivity here.
I've also been toying with the idea of putting together a series of videos where I do dramatic readings of my hilariously emo teenage poetry. I think it would be a cute laugh. It's pretty freaking emo.
So, we'll see what's going on. In the meantime, if you follow me on twitter, you'll find that's where most of my online activity is these days. I think the sidebar here has a link or at least my most recent tweets, so you should be able to follow that to my feed.
Back to work for me!
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
The Magicians by Lev Grossman
My rating: 5 of 5 stars
This was such a great book! Someone finally took off the rose-coloured glasses, took the magic-and-mundane-worlds-living-parallely trope, and showed that if you're a miserable cunt in your mundane life, being able to do magic probably won't change that. Not only that, but it takes tonnes of work aand effort to master. Holy crap. It's almost not worth it, the way Quenton describes it. Sure, they had to study at Hogwarts, but this sounds like one of those situations in China where they hook kids up to IVs during exam time.
Quenton is immensely unlikeable. He's a whiney, mopey, privileged, self-absorbed dork. Which, to be honest, describes most 16-21 year olds I know. But he grows, so that's nice.
I was just really happy to read a book with the classic Harry Potter theme that treated these kids as normal, modern kids. Maybe it's because they were American and not British, but they swear and drink and fuck eath other. Harry was 17 when he left Hogwarts - and he was honestly still a virgin? Really? I don't know very many 17 year olds who can claim that. Quenton sure as heck can't by the end of the book.
It's a miserable book, brilliantly written. I say it's miserable because Quenton, our narrating character, is miserable. The book itself is fabulous. Grossman is really clever and there were parts I actually laughed out loud at.
If you don't like reading books where bad things happen to good people, and especially to people you actually like, you probably won't like this book.
View all my reviews
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
When I get the film developed with the really good pictures (because I am THAT oldschool), I will have a picture of me actually accepting my degree.
Monday, May 14, 2012
So, it's been sparse and infrequent in update-land, I realise. I'm sorry, Blog.I have been pretty active on Twitter and Tumblr lately though? Mostly because my phone automatically posts pictures of my cats to Twitter and Tumblr. Yep. I'm that person.
But! I plan to change that!
I'm "working from home" at the moment (haha, what a joke), which means I spend 3 hours a day "coding" (which means tagging transcripts, basically) for a sociologist at one of the universities here. But that's all I'm doing for work right now. 3 hours a day, five days a week, of reading interviews from 1994 (yes, the data is thaaaat old) and nothing else. Sort of.
I'm also looking for other work (not very hard, though, I need to get on that), and sleeping in until noon everyday. Because that is a productive use of my time. (I really need to sort out my sleep schedule, it's all over the place).
Anyway, I figure one of the best ways to get myself back on track is to start scheduling my time better.
I'm going to make it a point to blog 3 times a week again, like I did last year. I managed, it, too, so I know I can do it now when I have absolutely nothing to do with my time. I also want to start going for walks. I don't leave the house much, which is ridiculous. I figure if I can get up even as late as 9AM, I can go for an hour long walk and STILL have more time in the day than I do right now, getting up at noon.
SO! Goals for the next month! I'll give myself until the end of June to turn these into habits:
- Walk one hour a day
- Blog three times a week
- Spin three evenings a week
- Knit every day
- Spend time every day looking for a second job (until it materializes)
- Finish Hexwood and start a new book
- Start writing short stories for that collection my friend and I want to publish
- Spend more time outside, even if it just means sitting on the commons while I read (two birds, one stone!)
Also, right now money is pretty tight, but hopefully in the next couple months, I can start having a steadier income. Once that happens, I would like to start taking Egyptian Bellydance classes and Kung Fu classes. Seriously. Why not? I could be a belly dancing kung fu girl. I could quote Nero with sincerity.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Take a look at what I dropped off at Plan B today! One ply shetland, one ply a ridiculously sparkly mix of fibers from a luxury batt. I'm on my phone right now, but I'll link to the seller as soon as I can get to the info.
One skein is about 170 yd, the other about 220. Thick n thin, both.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Do I leave it as a single, or ply it with shetland? Plying it with itself would be kind of ridiculous I think, and it's a super pretty single. I have 2 more ounces. Maybe I'll ply this with shetland and do the other as a single? Decisions, agh!
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
I have struggled with a chronic, reoccurring, undiagnosed depression for around 12 years now. Since I was about 12, I've dealt with a self-loathing, belittling, and hateful voice in my head that has not stopped trying to undermine me.
This voice is my own, of course. Half the time I am able to ignore it, tell myself I am being ridiculous, and it's obvious that I'm awesome. However, there are times that voice wins the argument.
This past two yeas, as I mentioned in my previous post, have had a few acute stressors that have put a great deal of pressure on my existing coping strategies:
- I left an abusive home situation
- I was dumped by the man I truly believed I would marry
- My thesis has been looming all year with the threat of failure woven throughout it
- Most recently, my ex moved out and told me that for us to remain friends in the future, we need to not hang out or see/talk to each other for a while.
This past year, I isolated myself almost completely. The only person who got to see what was really going on was my ex, because we lived together. And what was going on?
Utter sadness. I could pinpoint reasons - loneliness, heartbreak - but people normally overcome that in time. What happened with me is that my preexisting insecurities, my self-hatred, used these feelings as ammunition against myself, as legitimizing factors for that hatred.
I was lonely? Obviously I deserved to be alone. I was dumped and heartbroken? That's because I am an awful person who doesn't deserve to be loved. Why should I expect anyone else to love me when even I can't?
This is what went through my head everyday upon waking up. How awful a person I was, what all my faults were, how I've made terrible mistakes. I was unreasonably paranoid that people would do things on purpose to exclude or hurt me because I was awful, and I did deserve it, but didn't want it. I would get irrationally angry easily, and was overly defensive. I knew very well how awful I was, I didn't want to hear it from someone else. I developed something like insomnia - I simply couldn't fall asleep until I was at a point where my body just couldn't stay awake anymore. But then I would sleep far longer than reasonable.
Some days I could shut the thoughts up and go to school and work and pretend everything was normal. Some days I couldn't, and I would stay in bed for two or three days, too exhausted from my own emotional beating on myself. I often thought things that I don't wish to repeat, but simply made me more and more ashamed of myself.
I finally got up the courage to talk to my doctor. She confirmed that yes, I definitely have symptoms of chronic depression. My history of self-harm as a teenager and a family history involving suicide attempts simply reinforced the fact that it's basically obvious that it's not in my head, it's in my brain.
Unfortunately, because my drug coverage is through my university health plan, and I am graduating in May (hopefully), my coverage will not last long enough if I begin medication now. I simply can't afford the meds myself, and I can't afford insurance.
I've decided instead, to try B vitamins, and intend to start running, and want to begin meditation and yoga again. I just have to actually do these things, rather than just think about doing them. I don't expect these measures to cure my depression, but I hope that they can help stabilize it to a point that I can cope without medication, at least until I can afford to consider medication options.
I did not write this to get attention. I wrote this as a form of self-affirmation.
My depression is not something I should feel ashamed of and hide. It's a legitimate health issue, and I am far better off admitting openly that I am struggling and need help and support than hiding in my bed and wishing I could feel better.
I wrote this because I know I am not the only person who has dealt with something like this (if you haven't read Hyperbole & a Half's post about depression, you should). I want to let others in this boat know that we don't have to do it alone - if we all grab a paddle, we can steer ourselves to shore together.
I wrote this to prove to myself that I'm not alone, and that I do deserve to get better, to be happy.