Sunday, October 16, 2011

It Doesn't Stop Hurting, I Am Learning

I live with my ex.

This can be really hard. He's dating (I've tried; I'm not good at it, and I'm really not that interested in anybody else, even still) and that can be really heartbreaking when he brings a girl home.

I still love him as much as I ever did, and it still feels as fresh and raw a wound as the first day he told me he didn't love me anymore.

In September, I thought things were getting better. I barely cried, and everything seemed to be moving forward well.

But this last month has been awful. Everything is fine on the surface. We're getting along great, we spend lots of time together. But as soon as I'm alone, I'm crying, and sometimes having panic attacks. I pray constantly that he might want me again. It's all I hope for and wish for right now.

It's affecting my school, because I can't concentrate when I'm bawling. I feel overwhelmed by everything, and so lonely. I feel like I've lost the most important thing in the world, and I'm only holding on by a thread of hope. I barely have that left. I don't know what I will do if I lose that hope.

He's with these girls, and some of them are prettier and smarter than me, and I just know that he's going to fall for one of them and I'll lose him for good. I can't even imagine what that will feel like. My heart breaks constantly these days.

He has a date over right now, and he didn't warn me that he'd be brining her over, so I was really flustered and caught off guard - all he had to do was send me a text just so I could prepare myself mentally. I made supper for the three of us. How fucked up is that? I made supper for the love of my life and his date, and ate with them, and talked with them. She's really nice. Really pretty. Prettier than me. She has a job and her life together. I'm just some stupid little girl who can't move on.

I mean, I see someone like her and it makes so much sense. She's got her shit together. She's independant and beautiful; she doesn't need him, and so he wants her.

And I'm on the sidelines, watching (or in this case listening, because these walls are not thick enough) him get all smitten over someone who isn't me, and knowing I've never been and never will be good enough for him, no matter how much I love him.

I just want my life back. I want him to love me again, I want to be able to plan a future with him again. I want hope back. I want my best friend back and everything that went with it. This hurts more and more - it doesn't stop, it doesn't get easier. It's just the opposite. For the life of me, I never imagined anything could hurt like this. I don't know how to stop it from hurting like this, and I don't know how to move on.

I am so sad. I am so lonely. And I miss him so much.

Wooden Bird

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