Monday, November 28, 2011

Empowerment

I know I'm supposed to eventually move on from this breakup and live my life. I know I'm supposed to be an empowered woman who can do her own thing, who doesn't need anybody to make her happy...

Well, yeah. I can be happy without him. I can live my life without him. I can be successful, and do my own thing, and get on with everything without him. But it certainly won't be the same. I won't ever get over it, it seems. I love him as much now as I ever did. I miss him desperately every day. I can do my things, get my life moving, but I'm always missing him.




I'm not saying he completes me, or that I'm nothing without him, or that I'm less than whole. I know I'm a strong woman, whole and complete in my own right. But it was really nice to have my best friend by my side, to love me and support and take care of me. It was really nice to have somebody to love, who loved me back. It was more than just nice.

I feel like women feel like grieving over the loss of a man is something they shouldn't do, because it disempowers them. Well. It can, I agree. But it doesn't have to. I know I have a life ahead of me, with or without him. I know I can experience things and follow my dreams whether or not he's by my side.

But it doesn't change the fact that I always have this little sad part of me, and that it would all be so much better if he was there. An analogy I heard today was that it's like cake and icing. Icing's great, everybody wants icing. You can't JUST eat the icing. But if it comes down to starving or eating cake without icing, I'll the eat the cake. But I'll wish there was icing.

I never knew a heart could hurt this much. I never knew loving somebody could be so painful. I know I talk about it a lot, and whoever is reading this probably doesn't care. But it's a big part of my life right now, it's something I think about a lot, and it's something that affects me every day. I miss him so much. I miss being loved by him, and the security and the hope and the happiness that came with it.

I miss knowing I was going to grow old with my best friend. That I'd always have this amazing, special person by my side to experience everything with. I want that back. I want that back so bad that I sometimes don't know what to do with myelf.

I feel like I should eventually stop talking to my friends about this, because otherwise they're going to think I am not getting over this, they're going to get sick of listening to it. It makes me so sad to be without him, though. And I know I'll keep crying, for a long time. I know I'll be crying long after I stop talking about it. I know I'll be crying long after people will think I've moved on.

I don't see and end to this feeling in sight. I don't see it stopping. That makes me even sadder, but at the same time, I don't really want to stop loving him, and I feel like the only way it will stop hurting is when I stop loving. I can't do that. He means so much to me. I would do almost anything for him.

I love him. And it hurts. And it sucks. But I'll keep on living, because I can. Because I'm strong. Because I can't let this stop me. But I can let it hurt me, and it does.

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Wooden Bird 

 

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